By joining Peace Corps, I stepped into the unknown. I had to dig deep down to find strength, flexibility, and commitment that I didn't think I had. I've learned to find humor in most situations because most situations are out of my control so what else can you do but laugh. Sometimes I feel I’m a completely different person than from when I left the States and other times I don't feel I've changed at all. I know in reality it's a mixture of the two. One trait that is often debated among volunteers is whether or not the volunteer is more or less patient. The answer: it depends. Personally, I have gained patience for things out of my control such as transportation or waiting for my grant to process or money spending because such is the nature of being a vazaha in Madagascar: you are going to get ripped off on everything all the time. However, I have lost a great deal of patience with people who treat me disrespectfully. Some days I can ignore the comments and other days I have to restrain myself from yelling back at them. I remind myself that I grew up in a melting pot of a country whereas few other vazaha visit my region.
Another way in which I've changed is body image. I live in a part of the world where being told that I'm fat is a compliment. It took me a long time to take this as a compliment however, especially when I gained 10 pounds in the first six months (for future volunteers: bring a variety of clothing sizes-every volunteer I know has either lost or gained weight here). I was adjusting to new kinds of food, stress, language, and also enjoying 4 meals per day including snack at the Peace Corps Training Center that was already cooked and ready for me. I started exercising again and my body returned to a weight I'm comfortable with. I remember one time though, a market lady noticed I lost weight. She was seriously concerned for my health and told me to visit the doctor. In a country where malnourishment and stunting is one of the main health concerns, being bigger is a sign of good health and enough money for a balanced diet. One of the reasons rice is so largely consumed is that it is cheap and fills you up without needing as much loaka (vegetables or protein). Now, when I get the comment that I'm fat, I acknowledge that they are really saying I look healthy, and I thank them.
I've also learned how to deal with site guilt. This is when you feel guilty for leaving site no matter the reason. When I first arrived, I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing rather than what I wanted to be doing. I felt that I should always stay at site unless it was a Peace Corps function that I had to leave for (trainings, VAC, medical reasons). I found myself staying longer at site but then feeling burnt out and leaving my house less and less. Even after just a weekend away in my banking town, I returned refreshed and ready to integrate at every opportunity. I learned that I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving site-go to that optional training or take that vacation-so that when I return, I'm renewed with fresh ideas and motivated to implement them. In the long run, is it going to matter whether I was at site those few extra days anyway? I'm not earning brownie points with anyone and I'm a much happier and more productive volunteer when I 'listen' to my moods and realize when I need some R&R.
Finally, I've learned how to handle seeing widespread poverty. In the States I sympathized with people who had financial difficulties but I didn't really understand as I was lucky enough to grow up in a financially stable household. Here, I've learned to empathize. I've seen kids drink sewer water and wash their clothes in it, I've visited friends who have a one room house with only dirt as the floor, I've watched kids run to the trash pit to dig through the garbage I just threw out, I've seen people wait for me to be done eating so that they can get my leftovers. It's incredibly difficult and upsetting to see and I wish I could help more. Unfortunately, it's like a switch that I have to turn off. I am here to help my community in whatever way they want me to and I can't constantly weigh myself down with problems that I can't help or control. I wouldn't be productive. But I do realize the importance of acknowledging the widespread poverty. I've learned when to appropriately turn the switch on to better understand the sacrifices my friends have to make in order to send their child to school or even just put rice on the table. And I've learned to turn it off to in order to continue living my days here.
You know you're a PCV when:
-You feel guilty when you splurge on vazaha things that used to be normal in the States
-You're not afraid to try any food
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